Relationship therapy in Byron Bay

When the same thing keeps happening

You keep ending up in the same argument. Or the same silence. Or the same distance that you don’t know how to close.

Maybe it happens with your partners. Or your friends, your colleagues, a parent, a sibling. The faces change but the pattern doesn't. You walk away thinking, Why does this always happen with me?

That’s actually a really useful question, because it highlights that the answer is in you, not them. You don’t have control over others, but you can change how you do things. And when you change how you do things, you change your relationships.

This isn't couples therapy

I work one-on-one. Just you and me.

You learn what it is that you’re doing that makes your interactions with other people go the way they do. Once you see your patterns, it becomes possible for you to start doing things differently. And then your relationships change.

Common patterns

Criticising

You fight about the dishes. But it's not about the dishes. You feel dismissed, controlled, unappreciated, and you don’t know how to talk about any of that, so you direct all that pent up energy at the dishes.

Silence

You've stopped expressing yourself, sharing yourself, talking about what matters to you. What’s the point? The other person—

Walking on eggshells

You've lost yourself in the other person. You anticipate their moods. You work out what they want. You do what needs to be done to keep them calm, to make them like you. You think you're turning up for the other person. What you're actually doing is disappearing.

A key skill: Differentiation

Differentiation is the ability to regulate your own emotions. You don’t need to use other people to regulate your emotions.

The goal isn’t to be fully differentiated. We’re social beings. It is healthy and normal for us to use each other to regulate our emotional state. A fully differentiated person would perhaps be a sociopath. But high differentiation is better than low differentiation.

My wife looks at me and scowls. I flip out. ‘How dare you scowl at me! How do you think that makes me feel!’ That’s low differentiation.

My wife looks at me and scowls. I feel a pang of pain, take a breath, realise that I’m fine, and become curious about what’s happening for her. That’s high differentiation.

When you’re highly differentiated, you feel much less need to control others. You can let others be who they are, because you’re settled in yourself. You relate to other people, not as a drowning person, but as a stable raft.

What therapy looks like

My style

We chat. If you need help to talk, I help. When you’re talking, I listen. Along with way, I make observations. And ask questions you might not have asked yourself. I invite you to try things out in the session. If you feel up to it, you try them out.

I move at your pace. Slow, fast, it’s all fine with me.

My general orientation is Gestalt psychotherapy, and I teach the ACT model as needed.

How long are sessions?

50 minutes.

Where?

In person at my Byron Bay practice or by video link.

How many sessions will I need? How often will I need to go?

Good questions. I answer them here.